(Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen the movie and intend to watch it…..please read no further and close this page NOW!)

I can’t believe it. I am amused that the censor board of India, which jumps out of skin at something as natural as nudity, has passed this movie with a UA certification. In the first twenty minutes of the movie, the protagonist, Kundan (Played by The Dhanush) is shown slashing his wrist with a shaving single blade….and what for…..hold your breath (HYB)…..to pressurize a girl he loves, Zoya (played by Sonam) to assent to his proposal…..HYB again…..Kundan is shown to be 15 years old and Zoya is 14 years old. As the movie clearly mentions that the boy is in tenth standard and the girl is in ninth.

Now exhale if you can! As you may wish to HYB a few more times as my memoir about this piece of non-entertainment proceeds!

Now, Zoya is sent away for further education, as love cannot happen between a Hindu and a Muslim, also read as Rich and Poor. Zoya studies in a college in Delhi and returns to Banaras after seven or nine years. Kundan is still in love with Zoya but Zoya has fallen for Jasjeet (Abhay Deol, a budding politician in college, who also has setup his own political party) from her college. Then rich and poor disparity…which used to be the core of several movies in seventies…and believe me, they handled it beautifully in those times. There is a clear cut message…. HYB…..Hindu and Muslim should not / cannot get married. A Sikh boy must pretend to be a Muslim to marry a Muslim girl.

Kundan still loves Zoya ….and Kundan’s friend Bindiya loves Kundan. Zoya informs Kundan that she does not love him anymore and she loves Akram (Jasjeet, which we don’t know yet). Lo and behold……our strong willed RANJHANAA, cuts his wrist again. Hey, I am sitting in a 21st century multiplex with people who have spent their hard earned money to chill out on a Saturday evening and instead the movie is baking them in its moronic heat! When Zoya decides to marry Jasjeet (Abhay Deol also pretending to be Akram), her college heart throb, Kundan shows a bounce back reaction…..HYB….he decides to marry Bindiya on the same day. Things go awry when Zoya’s family finds out that Akram is actually Jasjeet. They break few bones of Jasjeet and throw him on railway tracks to die. Kundan gets busy helping Zoya and Jasjeet and simply forgets that he is getting married to Bindiya on the same day. When, after a tiresome day, he returns home, he remembers that it was his marriage day as well…..that too…..HYB….looking at the Marriage Brass Band Players sleeping on the pavement of his home…..aaahhh….some memory!!!

Girls, whom you love, mean the world to you and the girls, who love you….ummm…who are they!!!!

Are you getting any chance to exhale? If not, take a pause and do it NOW! 😉

Thereafter, obviously, now there are two girls, who hate Kundan….Bindiya as well as Zoya. Now it’s Zoya’s turn to slash her wrist. I am speechless. My friend, Umesh, who is with me, is restless in his seat and vibrations of his restlessness start resonating in me too! So much for a strong woman of 21st century! Kundan takes Zoya out of the hospital bed and takes her to Punjab to Jasjeet. Kahaani me aur ek twist….Jasjeet is dead! Then Zoya vows that she will fulfill Jasjeet’s dream of winning few seats in elections. She is also selected as the next leader after Jasjeet’s death by Jasjeet’s own sister. Kundan joins the entourage as Chai walla. HYB….. he goes on to become a hero amongst party workers, when…..DON’T YOU EXHALE…..he negotiates a crisis situation with farmers by taking the Superintendant of Police in his stride just because he speaks Tamil. SP allows him access to life and death crisis just because he is a Tamilian…..!!! Relent only to a person, who speaks your mother tongue…..so much for communal harmony!!!

Imagine, I survived this buffoonery till the very end….and here I have lost my will to write further about it.

If you still are hell bent on watching it…..I believe you have plenty of money to squander….and I could do with some donations to recover my expensive ticket money! 😉

In ages, I have not disliked any movie so much so, that I need to talk about it so publicly. It defies all sensibilities and it sends out several unacceptable messages and my concern is unaware parents are inadvertently subjecting their impressionable kids to it. If you must watch it, leave your kids in safe hands and subject yourself to this session of Paap Kshaalan. (A ritual, where you subject yourself to hardships to pay for your sins!)

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One Response to RANJHANAA…. Na re Na!

  1. SHEKHAR says:

    ha ha ha… hilarious review!!!

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